by Veronica North

I Have OCD and How it Affects My Art

I share how my OCD manifests as a fear of being perceived as ordina...
I Have OCD and How it Affects My Art

I Have OCD and This is How it Affects My Art


My therapist and I have been working together for years. When I first started with her, we discussed some of my “OCD tendencies” but tended to focus more on issues I was working through rather than simply dissecting my diagnoses. Throughout my life I have always felt a sense of underlying anxiety. In my teenage and early adulthood I experienced deeper depression. Writing music has always been a vehicle for me to move from one place to another with my emotions. In my darkest times, songwriting has been like a train that takes me from gloomy valleys to the beach. It doesn’t necessarily fix my situation but it lets me move through it and find new perspective. 


More recently my therapist and I started to unpack these “OCD tendencies” a little more. And the more we unboxed, the more I realized all of my anxiety and depression has stemmed from the underlying OCD (this is common for people with OCD). In OCD there are two core parts: obsessions and compulsions. It can look vastly different for people, and remember, while I am speaking here about my personal experience, I am also a board-certified psychiatric nurse. I will list some local and national resources at the bottom of this article. If you need, feel free to just skip down to those links now. 


For me, I have a core fear of being perceived as ordinary. 


This is complicated - and again, this is my personal experience. I will say - much of this personal experience happens internally, and even attempting to share about it in this external format feels challenging. Not challenging because I don’t feel open about it - I’m an open book! But challenging because it is very difficult to define some of these nuanced feelings… and to be quite frank, I am still working it out in my head. 


Let me give you an example to help paint the picture. When I was little, I took gymnastic classes. I had a few girls from my hometown who did it with me, and most of us were about the same level of competency. There was one girl (not me) who was MUCH better than all of us. She competed at high levels, was constantly improving, gaining new skills, and went to Nationals and Worlds multiple times. While I was proud of her and excited for her, I also had this gut wrenching feeling like gymnastics wasn’t for me. And it wasn’t jealousy or envy… just a deep knowing that I couldn’t do something that I wasn’t excelling at. Of course it was also very expensive and I couldn’t keep up with the cost. 


This is tricky because in order to “excel” at something there needs to be a way to measure it. In gymnastics, there are levels and awards. In many things, there are tests that give you a general idea of how well you performed. 


So how does that tie to my music? Well… here’s the cycle 😣


The Obsession: What if they think I’m ordinary?


The core intrusive feeling (not always a thought, sometimes it's more like a dread) is something like:

"I am ordinary. I will live and die and no one will have truly seen how deep, talented, and singular I am."

That feeling is unbearable, so the mind looks for a way to neutralize it.

The Compulsion: making music (and all that goes along with that)

Music becomes the ritual that temporarily answers the fear. The logic (usually unconscious) goes:

"If I make enough music, and it's good enough, and enough people respond to it, then I'll have proof that I'm not ordinary."

So output, prolificness, quality, recognition… these aren't just creative goals. They're anxiety management. Each song is a little piece of evidence against the fear.

Why it never resolves

Just like OCD compulsions, it can't actually work — because:

  • You finish a song → relief → but the fear creeps back → you need another song

  • People respond well → brief proof → but maybe they didn't really get it, or enough people didn't see it → need more

  • You become prolific → but now the bar moves → prolific isn't enough, it needs to be great

The compulsion feeds the obsession over time, because you're training your brain that the fear is real and requires constant managing.

The cruel irony

The fear of being ordinary can actually make the music-making feel less free and joyful over time… because it's no longer pure expression, it's a job my anxiety hired me to do. Many artists describe a point where creating stops feeling like play and starts feeling like desperate proof.

And to top it all off - the music industry fans this flame. Put out a new single. Not enough streams. Make a music video. Make a better music video. Play a ton of shows. Travel. Tour! Improve your skills. Brand yourself. Rebrand yourself. 


And here’s the thing guys…

I never wanted to be famous. That wasn’t my childhood dream. 

I love making music. I love writing songs. Like I said, in hard times, it has been my getaway train. I even love performing. On stage I feel so alive and it really makes me so happy. 

But my childhood dream was simple. 

My childhood dream was to fall in love, have a cute little house, a little garden, to feel safe, to go on nice walks every day, have good friends and buy fun clothes, to host dinner parties and have enough money to not worry about money.

And guess what? That is literally my life. I love it so much. It wasn’t an easy path here but I made it. And I don’t want anything to mess it up.

In my brain all of this is connected and makes sense, but I’m not sure if you, reader, are quite seeing it the way I’m intending. 

I guess what it comes down to is that lately making music has been burning me out. I have been getting caught in the OCD cycle of trying to level up and prove to myself and everyone around me that I’m capable and talented and can achieve more and more. I never wanted to be famous but somewhere along the way that sort of became the goal because that felt like the highest level to achieve. The award to win, the measure of success. (And of course the irony here is, there are tiers to fame too… it never freaking ends). 

My OCD brain made me believe that you had this expectation on me that I’m going to become some massive star, and that if I don’t I’ve completely failed in life. But saying that out loud completely debunks it and takes away it’s power. So that’s cool.

I’m going to keep making music, doing what I do, but I’m going to try to check in with myself more often and make sure the choices I’m making are out of pure desire and joy - not anxiety and fear. This is a good reminder to show how someone can look very put together, healthy, accomplished, successful, etc and internally be intensely anxious, overwhelmed and burnt out. 

I love you all so much and I hope this makes sense. 


Helpful mental health links as promised: 

Crisis Support (immediate help)

 

 

General Mental Health

  • NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) — call, text, or email the HelpLine M–F, 10am–10pm ET at 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) for information, resources, and peer support https://www.nami.org NAMI

  • SAMHSA National Helpline — free, confidential treatment referral and information service at 800-662-HELP (4357); also find providers at FindTreatment.gov https://www.samhsa.gov SAMHSA

  • NIMH Find Help — federal resource for locating mental health providers, insurance options, and treatment info https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/find-help

  • Find A Helpline — a global vetted directory of helplines covering anxiety, depression, domestic violence, sexual abuse, gender identity, and more https://findahelpline.com Find a Helpline

 

 

OCD-Specific

 

 

Finding a Therapist Generally






by Veronica North